I didn't want to post about this topic because it meant having to admit something that I've been avoiding.
I'm not writing.
I don't have writer's block, I just can't start.
Why, I'm not sure.
I'm hoping by the end of this post, I'll know. Right now there's an invisible shield between me and my notebook and I can't break through.
It's paralyzing and it scares me. What if I can't shake it off? Should I just give in and stop pretending that I'm writer?
Let me back up.
Before the holidays, during the fall, I wasn't writing because my brain was drained, so to speak. My days were filled with emotional stress and an exhausting schedule; usually until 9 or 10 at night. Sure, I could have squeezed in some writing time, minutes here and there, but the quality would have been crap and it would have meant sacrificing sleep -- that's one thing I can't afford to do. I need at least 6 hours to function as a good wife, mother, employee, friend. In fact, there were a couple of times that I sat down at the computer and literally fell asleep at the keyboard. Now that the holidays are over, there's no reason why I can't find time to write. Yes, my schedule is still tight, but the winter months are generally easier - not as many commitments. Emotionally, I'm in a much better place and so, I could write almost every day and make some real progress on my WiP. But I'm not.
My writer friends, and familar names around the blogs I follow, are making huge strides in the their journeys. They're finishing their first drafts, their nearing the end of revisions and almost ready to query. Some have been querying or are taking steps to self publish, and some have even signed with agents and are or will soon be submitting to publishers. I'm so proud of how far they've come and excited that they are closer to reaching their dream. But I feel like I'm not moving forward at all.
Did you ever have one of those dreams where you were running and running but couldn't move forward? I used to have those dreams as a kid and I'd wake up in a panic. That's how this "whatever it is" feels like.
Right now I'm stagnant. It would be easy to just let the writing slide but I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to go back. And I can't help feeling ashamed. All the advice, and it's good advice says, "Just write. If you want it bad enough you'll find a way to struggle through." All the pep talks in the world should motivate me. But I can't. Get. Past. Myself.
I'm not looking for an answer, a "there, there" pat on the back, or sympathy. One of the reasons I didn't post this sooner is because I didn't want to sound like a lazy, whiny wannabe writer looking for attention. And truthfully, I thought that I'd be able to pull myself out of this funk. I try to keep my blog light and upbeat but then I'd be pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm not there right now (in my writing life) and I'm worried.
I guess I'm blogging about this because I need to know if others are going through this too. How are you dealing with it? Have you been here? Did you give up or fight through?